Friday night we went over to Zim’s pad and jammed out with
YLS. It was really fun hearing the way he fit in so easily with his guitar. We
are all thinking about starting an off shoot project, I guess you would call it
that. Something different than what we are doing now. I like this. I think it
will be good to work with different people and try something new. I don’t
really know how C feels about it other than he is cautious as always. I guess
he has to be when he is living with someone like me. I go into things all the
time without thinking it thru but I feel like this is different. I mean, if you
get to a point where you don’t like it, you can just beat it, right? I don’t
know… I like playing but it isn’t my end goal. I ‘m not entirely sure what that
is anymore.
I am not working actively on anything right now other than
getting the hang of this new job. It isn’t very hard, but I am trying to
prevent myself from getting overwhelmed and stressed out, the way I always get
when starting something new. I am trying to use this experience as a new way to
learn and a new way to deal with work load. For the most part, things can be
done at a manageable pace. My last job was so crazy I kinda was always spiraling
out of control and it became the norm for me. There wasn’t really any need for
that, and there certainly isn’t now. But
besides that, nothing is really going on. If I don’t find something to work on
soon, something that I really like to do, I think I might slip into depression
again. I thought maybe cutting stuff down would be a good break but now I feel
like I really want to get into something big again, maybe some event planning
or something. I don’t know. I guess I will have to think about it.
Saturday we went to Top Ten records to watch a mariachi
band. It was great but I got too emotional when they played my mom’s favorite
song and I had to run outside and cry for a good few minutes. When my mom
passed away there was a mariachi band that played in between the different part
of the services. Everytime the music started up I just broke down again and
again. It was impossible for me not to cry uncontrollably when I heard the
music. I just remember thinking, why didn’t we ever get mom mariachi’s when she
was alive instead? I don’t remember ever ever
having them for her before and it seemed like such a cruel thing to have it
at her funeral. Like a really unfair gift. They got mariachi’s for my grandma a
few times and I remember her sitting in her chair with a huge beautiful smile
on her face waving her fingers in the air along to the music. Her eyes twinking
with memories only she could know. I felt like that is the youngest I ever saw
her and it made me so happy. I hope they
don’t wait until I die to give me mariachis. I promise you, I am not going to
have that happen.
And so yeah, I have been thinking about mom, because it
seems like more people are losing loved ones as we all get older and older.
There was a memorial service for a man’s wife that is such a community leader
that everyone knows them both and were holding on to every ounce of hope when
we found out how ill she was. Because they were artists, they didn’t have
coverage and she was really sick. You do the math. It’s all so unfair these
days seeing people die without a fighting chance. It happened so quick that it
got me scared. If something happens ( I mean when it happens) we will be in the same boat. I just hope that when
it does happen to me, I will be as lucky as she was, and be able to pass in my
husband’s arms while we both sleep. I pray for something painless for us both.
I couldn’t go to the memorial. It was at the same place they
had my friend, Graham’s memorial and honestly I haven’t really been back since. I was a lot closer to Graham than I originally
thought, as the days passed on I realized I really missed him. I expected to
see him walking around and being his old Graham self everywhere in the
neighborhood. It was just too much. So
all of these triggers got me thinking about mom, and in a sense, my father
figure, Richard, who has been gone now for such a long time ( over 10 years) that I rarely give myself a chance
to miss him anymore.
Here is one of his last posts on his blog, before he got
sick and died.
WALKING, STROLLING
ALMOST, across the Monte Vista bridge and looking down on the green overgrowth
on the old Sante Fe Railroad line that may someday bring DART public
transportation train service to this neighborhood, looking down and feeling the
shiny, morning warmth on my breast, I thought sometimes the beauty of the universe just takes my breath away! Hopefully
this is a sign I’ll continue to feel better...
So there it is. Everyone dies. I have friends that say they
would rather die than live and I can’t fathom how sad a person has to be to say
that. I don’t think I have ever wanted to go prematurely. I will be the one
holding on for dear life. The unsinkable Opal S. That will be me one day soon,
and you will have a memorial for me at
the same place they have all my friends memorials because that will be the only
place my family can afford. It will be ok with me if you don’t’ go, because I
get it. I just hope you know there won’t be mariachi music there.
Poets on X+ is Friday. Edward V will be in town for Saturday’s
Pleasant Groove. I am preparing myself right this minute for social interaction
this weekend. It will take this long to get my shit together and not talk
myself out of anything. I think that is why I keep on hosting X+. It’s as if I
know that if I quit that I will pretty much stop going on and stop doing
things. I have been having this thing
about being in my bed as much as possible and far away from people in general.
In fact this weekend was about 80% spent in or around my bed. The last time this started I was full onset
depressed. I was unemployed back then so I had no responsibilities and I was
glad to stay asleep. Now I have to get up and get to work so maybe that will
help. No matter how low I get, I still can plaster on the face and go thru the
motions. I have lots and lots of experience pretending.
But what I really want do is dance. Maybe I can make that
happen sometime this week.
Well that’s all I have for today. Time to get back to time
management and thoughts about living, not dying. I’m making dinner tonight and
I hope to see my daughter that is back from Peru! If I can go to they gym and
kick this malaise out of my life, maybe that would help too.
I think that as we all get older, we think of our own mortality. It is what actually got my ass in gear to do something. To write, to leave a legacy that will carry on beyond me. My own words that will ring on with time. I think all artist at some point feel this way. We create knowing that one day will no longer be able to carry on in our bodies but own words, our voices, our brush strokes will live on to other generations. I don't want to die without leaving some kind of mark on this world. Memories are great but they only last as long as the people who knew you. But people remember the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, the brush strokes of Pablo Picasso and the voice of Kurt Cobain. Their creations will live on way beyond their decomposing bodies. I may never get to their status but I have to try. I have accepted the fact that I am going to die. It is inevitable but I don't have to die without leaving my mark on this earth. I can no longer sit back and wait for my opportunity I have to make my path. I don't know when I am going to die but I will die...one day and hopefully like I will fight it tooth and nail. Your so talented Opal and your words speak volumes of how you manipulate my eyes and mind. I would be so sad if you ever walked away from this...it so natural and fluid. I don't bullshit when I say I look forward to reading your blog. I hope that whatever is blocking you from breaking through gets destroyed. I know how is to be in a dark place in your life and it sucks dick. I am never going back to that hell in my mind. I never wanted to commit suicide but being depressed can really alter your state of mind. You ever need anyone to talk to.....please, please know I am here.
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