Life, Death and Dancing

Friday night we went over to Zim’s pad and jammed out with YLS. It was really fun hearing the way he fit in so easily with his guitar. We are all thinking about starting an off shoot project, I guess you would call it that. Something different than what we are doing now. I like this. I think it will be good to work with different people and try something new. I don’t really know how C feels about it other than he is cautious as always. I guess he has to be when he is living with someone like me. I go into things all the time without thinking it thru but I feel like this is different. I mean, if you get to a point where you don’t like it, you can just beat it, right? I don’t know… I like playing but it isn’t my end goal. I ‘m not entirely sure what that is anymore.

I am not working actively on anything right now other than getting the hang of this new job. It isn’t very hard, but I am trying to prevent myself from getting overwhelmed and stressed out, the way I always get when starting something new. I am trying to use this experience as a new way to learn and a new way to deal with work load. For the most part, things can be done at a manageable pace. My last job was so crazy I kinda was always spiraling out of control and it became the norm for me. There wasn’t really any need for that, and there certainly isn’t now.  But besides that, nothing is really going on. If I don’t find something to work on soon, something that I really like to do, I think I might slip into depression again. I thought maybe cutting stuff down would be a good break but now I feel like I really want to get into something big again, maybe some event planning or something. I don’t know. I guess I will have to think about it.

Saturday we went to Top Ten records to watch a mariachi band. It was great but I got too emotional when they played my mom’s favorite song and I had to run outside and cry for a good few minutes. When my mom passed away there was a mariachi band that played in between the different part of the services. Everytime the music started up I just broke down again and again. It was impossible for me not to cry uncontrollably when I heard the music. I just remember thinking, why didn’t we ever get mom mariachi’s when she was alive instead? I don’t remember ever ever having them for her before and it seemed like such a cruel thing to have it at her funeral. Like a really unfair gift. They got mariachi’s for my grandma a few times and I remember her sitting in her chair with a huge beautiful smile on her face waving her fingers in the air along to the music. Her eyes twinking with memories only she could know. I felt like that is the youngest I ever saw her and it made me so happy.  I hope they don’t wait until I die to give me mariachis. I promise you, I am not going to have that happen. 

And so yeah, I have been thinking about mom, because it seems like more people are losing loved ones as we all get older and older. There was a memorial service for a man’s wife that is such a community leader that everyone knows them both and were holding on to every ounce of hope when we found out how ill she was. Because they were artists, they didn’t have coverage and she was really sick. You do the math. It’s all so unfair these days seeing people die without a fighting chance. It happened so quick that it got me scared. If something happens ( I mean when it happens) we will be in the same boat. I just hope that when it does happen to me, I will be as lucky as she was, and be able to pass in my husband’s arms while we both sleep. I pray for something painless for us both.

I couldn’t go to the memorial. It was at the same place they had my friend, Graham’s memorial and honestly I haven’t really been back since.  I was a lot closer to Graham than I originally thought, as the days passed on I realized I really missed him. I expected to see him walking around and being his old Graham self everywhere in the neighborhood. It was just too much.  So all of these triggers got me thinking about mom, and in a sense, my father figure, Richard, who has been gone now for such a long time ( over  10 years) that I rarely give myself a chance to miss him anymore.

Here is one of his last posts on his blog, before he got sick and died.

WALKING, STROLLING ALMOST, across the Monte Vista bridge and looking down on the green overgrowth on the old Sante Fe Railroad line that may someday bring DART public transportation train service to this neighborhood, looking down and feeling the shiny, morning warmth on my breast, I thought sometimes the beauty of the universe just takes my breath away! Hopefully this is a sign I’ll continue to feel better...

So there it is. Everyone dies. I have friends that say they would rather die than live and I can’t fathom how sad a person has to be to say that. I don’t think I have ever wanted to go prematurely. I will be the one holding on for dear life. The unsinkable Opal S. That will be me one day soon, and you will have a  memorial for me at the same place they have all my friends memorials because that will be the only place my family can afford. It will be ok with me if you don’t’ go, because I get it. I just hope you know there won’t be mariachi music there.

Poets on X+ is Friday. Edward V will be in town for Saturday’s Pleasant Groove. I am preparing myself right this minute for social interaction this weekend. It will take this long to get my shit together and not talk myself out of anything. I think that is why I keep on hosting X+. It’s as if I know that if I quit that I will pretty much stop going on and stop doing things.  I have been having this thing about being in my bed as much as possible and far away from people in general. In fact this weekend was about 80% spent in or around my bed.  The last time this started I was full onset depressed. I was unemployed back then so I had no responsibilities and I was glad to stay asleep. Now I have to get up and get to work so maybe that will help. No matter how low I get, I still can plaster on the face and go thru the motions. I have lots and lots of experience pretending.

But what I really want do is dance. Maybe I can make that happen sometime this week.

Well that’s all I have for today. Time to get back to time management and thoughts about living, not dying. I’m making dinner tonight and I hope to see my daughter that is back from Peru! If I can go to they gym and kick this malaise out of my life, maybe that would help too.