When you grow up in chaos it becomes the norm. Your brain
become accustomed to the sharp turns that family dynamics can take. I am always
on alert that someone somewhere may lose their shit and I know I have to be prepared.
Like a cat on the edge of a perch you have to be poised to jump, run or get out
of the way. There is always a tremor under everything and the solid background
you have prepares you for fight or flight. Exhausting it is.
When I think back to the way things were I don’t see it
as being strange. When you grow up in chaos it becomes the norm. When you finally
get away from that life everything drops off, and sadly you get bored. I can’t
tell you how many times I have been bored with my awesome life and wondered
what the hell was wrong with me. I don’t get to use my coping skills much, and
I can’t pounce where there is nothing to defend myself from.
This is why people create drama.
So what will it be today? Getting betrayed by a good
friend? Being ignored? A fight at work? A fight at home? Someone sick, dying, quit the scene.? Rehab,
Chemo or Car Accident. These poets hate these other poets? Money lending or
money stealing? My posse is better than your posse. I got invited and you didn’t.
My husband/wife/partner hates you. My husband /wife/partner is having an affair
with my best friend/ enemy/ a total loser. So and so got published and here I
am with nothing. I should have sold twice as many books. Who showed up late and
screwed it up now? Why don’t people react to my selfies? Am I obsessed with my
looks/weight/importance? Who am I going to fall in love with now? I’m bored let’s
get drunk. Am I drinking too much? Maybe I’m the one who needs rehab. Did you
hear about what he/she/they/said when they left the show/reading/dinner party? He/she/
is more interested in my partner than they are in me. I haven’t written
anything solid in months. I’m old/washedup/uninteresting. Did you see they had the same dress on? Did
they break up? Whose side are you on? Hurry up/speak up/shut up. What does it
say on facebook? Why can’t I just be normal? What is normal? Let your freak
flag fly! I’m not being experimental enough.
God, why am I so strange?
I smoked too many cigarettes last night, I think I’m
addicted. What on earth does he think about me now? I’m a stalker now. Is it
possible to be addicted to the gym?
What’s got you today, Drama Queen?
I think most creative people have this sense of making drama for themselves because the idea of balance and happiness are foreign concepts to them. I mean who in their right minds wants to be happy. It'll ruin my creative spirit and cramp my style. Where will I draw inspiration to create my next piece or who wants to hear about sunshine and rainbows. It's contrary to what our culture believes. I love the blog, please keep writing and I will keep reading. Great stuff.
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