But first, a martini, please

I guess I am still recovering from Saturday because I feel shredded. This week is two open mics, Mad Swirl first and foremost is tomorrow and Pleasant Groove with the Tejana’s featuring is Saturday. Maybe getting back to performance will wake me up .

Today I start working with a trainer at the gym. What? That sounds so bizarre.

Anyway.

Friday night is a big party that I’m sure I’m going to feel awkward at because  my ex best friend will be there and blah blah blah I can’t not go out because people that hurt me are going to be there.. blah blah blah.. I’m not going to starve myself all week or get shitfaced drunk to deal with it that night. I am going to be a grown ass woman and have a splendid time. *Start hyperventilating now*

Saturday going to see a friend’s band at another friends new club. So much hopping and bopping as it were. Everyone is doing something and things are all very fab. I am starting a project with Dillon, I mean it was only about time. He drew the most amazing picture and I am totally using it for my next book cover. I am going to have to stop blogging so much so I can get my poetry in order. Not. This blog keeps me going. Talking into space instead of keeping it jammed up inside. All of you, my faithful readers.. all 5 of you.. I adore you.

I listen to Alan Alda’s podcast every Tuesday. It’s about communication and it’s delightful to listen to his voice while I am usually neck deep in work. It’s no secret that I love his voice and that it calms me. I love to watch M*A*S*H at night before bed so I can sail off to sweet dreams with Hawkeye steering the ship into the clouds. Yeah, I have a crush on Hawkeye. I know if he was a real person he would never date me, or look my way, but I would try desperately to get him to notice me. I’d even join the army during the Korean war.

I’ve thought about writing him a fan letter, which I know sounds ancient, but I have a feeling he would respond. Maybe send me a signed picture of Hawkeye and write it long hand so I could rub my fingers over the indentions the pen made. But if I did and he didn’t I hope it wouldn’t sour me on the whole thing. I’ve written a few fan letter, and have sent even less. I am going to keep meditating on it and decide soon if I should or not.

On a completely diff note, my boss is def bipolar. It makes me sad. There are people that work here that have it in for her and I just can’t because I know how it is, and I know what it feels like when you are out of control and you can’t just be normal no matter how you try. The more you obsess about being normal the harder it becomes, and the arms start flying around, the anger sets in and the wild mood swings take hold. She may not know this, but I am on her side, even though she kinda scares me sometimes. I hope she is getting the help she needs to give her some relief. I suspect all of her dr visits are for this and I am in the background giving her all the applause because the hardest part is taking care of it, giving up that perceived control and letting it get treated instead of it taking you on that wild ride. Well the ride can be great, fun, exciting.. but sometimes.. it’s not.. it’s downright terrifying.

I write this blog because I want people to know we are all out there. We all have to get up and make our way in this world even when our brain is telling us to give up, show out, or disregard our own health. Our sickness tells us we are not worth it or we beat ourselves up when we can’t control it all. We get up every day and keep staying alive when all we want to do is go to bed, over eat or day drink.  Sometimes we do those things anyway.. afterall this is the land of excess.. and that isn’t a good reason but people allow it anyway. I write this blog because every day is a struggle even when I smile and laugh and seem well adjusted and ‘normal’ and this doesn’t make me any better than anyone else that feels the same way and can’t hide it anymore. Actually I envy them. Of course I could be kidding myself. I could actually look crazy to everyone! HAH!

I write this blog because I am 46 years old and I just DGAF what anyone thinks about me anymore. This is who I am. Take me or leave me.. I’m going on.

But first, a martini.