Weight set point, dropping inches and why I said eff it I am eating fruit.

I’m obsessed. I know it isn’t a healthy spot for me now, mentally but I am trying to let go of obsessive thoughts and just be happy with the body I have right now. It works well, It feels good. I can push it and make it do things it’s never done before. I can wear cute clothes, and walk longer and faster than I ever have before. I can feel muscles growing in my legs and my body is beginning to look more sculpted in areas that have never been defined before. I have a clavicle.

But I haven’t lost a damn pound in over a month now.

I don’t see this as a punishment.. mostly. I feel like my body is having its way with me after years of pushing and yo yo ing up and down that it’s finally had it with me and my ways.

The fact is I am eating healthier than I ever have before. I am eating reasonable portions and I am working out at least 3 times a week, barring any injuries or sickness. I am on a modified keto, what some people call dirty keto, because I refuse to stop eating fruit. I am only eating berries right now.. because it is summer and I need some fruit in my damn life. I can’t even fathom that the reason I am not losing a pound is that I eat some berries every few days. Every meal is meat/veg and sometimes some cheese in-between. I make dinners full of fibrous vegetables. It’s delicious and I know I feel good after I eat it.   

I am now wearing a Large. Not an Extra Large, or an Extra Extra Large like I did for years. I have gone down a bra size and am down a few pants sizes. But no pounds. Not one. In fact this morning I gained a half pound.

O my god this is so boring.

The party was great. All that worrying for nothing, the B didn’t show up, neither did her consort. I behaved nicely but had a few drinks and tokes like usual. I spent a lot of time talking with Zim about music, Harry about writing and Hawkeye about old times. He told me something that made my night. I don’t think I want to share it because it is totally self indulgent and superfluous, which are, btw my two favorite descriptors in life. I should have called this blog by that name.

So lately I have been feeling a certain way.  You know I’ve been doing this poetry gig for over 20 years.. much more than that I think now we can almost say 30. I have consistently maintained a space for open mic and have supported and attended many in the DFW area, some for years on end. I have done festivals and variety shows. I opened for the Goo Goo Dolls once. ( not as stellar as it sounds) I was in a movie, a documentary and on the news a few times. I have been published in many fine collections, have won contests with my work, and have finally been published on my own. So what’s the problem? I guess sometimes I feel that it all isn’t enough. It only takes a few months out of the loop to be forgotten or pushed aside. Also, all these years I have known people that have never come to one thing, event or show I have produced or starred in.. I get it. It’s not everyone’s bag, right? I don’t go see death metal shows even if I love the performer.. because I can’t listen to that kind of stuff. It washes over me. Ok, so I’m not upset with that. I am upset sometimes that these people who have never supported or shown any interest in what I do creatively, all the sudden show up and want in on the show. Uhmmm.. am I being shitty? Probably. What do I care if you just started writing a few years ago and have a few books out already? I guess some people don’t have to work so hard at it. I guess you can just wake up one day and decide you want to be a published poet. I mean, to hell with getting booed off a stage or preempted for a slurpee drinking contest ( true Story) or asked to a party without the knowledge you are the entertainment ( this has happened..but I promise you, I did not perform). Maybe you don’t have to struggle with day jobs that kill your soul all day long to pay your bills so you can go shlep it over to an open mic where you don’t even have enough money for a beer to keep you entertained while you wait to perform for a crowd that doesn’t even want to hear you anyway. Maybe you don’t have to work with neumerous people that think their shit don’t stink and then have to walk around them for the rest of your life like a land mine because they or you have it in for you or them? Maybe you don’t need to get slandered online, in person, by word of mouth and get gigs taken away from you just because someone has some beef with you and you miss out on a stipend or a pass the hat that will help you get by. Maybe you don’t have to give your book away for free because hey no one has any money anyway so why bother trying to make a living by your art. And my favorite.. have a show that everyone walks out of while you are on stage. It happens.

So you are fronting that you are in the know. You belong here. Forgive me if I’m not warming up to that idea right away. Maybe you could come out and support something that has nothing to do with you once and a while. Maybe you can stop kissing ass for a minute and listen to someone else’s poetry.

Maybe you can stop looking for a label to stamp on yourself and just support one another.

Maybe I’m just being shitty. Probably.

My new favorite thing is cottage cheese with blueberries and blackberry sugar free jam mixed in it. It’s probably a zillion carbs and a million calories. IDGAF

My friend Martin is in Columbia and I wish I could see out of his eyes right now. I told him he was smart to not tell me when he was leaving because I would have hidden in his suitcase.  I miss talking with him and can’t wait to hear all about the trip. Columbia seems like some kind of wonderland in my brain. I can’t even imagine what being out of this country for an extended amount of time feels like. I want out. Bad.

Tejana is finally done with the tour. We finished on Saturday. I plan on using the money I get for it to pad my savings.. since there isn’t anything in there anymore. I am sure there are things I could use it on.. but I really want a vacation by the end of this year.. and NOLA is looking good, or NYC again. I am up for a promotion at work and if I get it.. I’m staying on for the raise. I really hope it happens. This place isn’t bad, but everyone here is bored so they gossip constantly. I already made some mistakes. But at least they are entertained by me. That, in fact, is how I always want to be. Entertaining.

Avant is Sunday. I can’t even wait.

Thursday is Dennis’ Birthday at Revelers Hall. I can’t wait to kiss his face.

I bought a new dress and even tho no one has commented on it all day so far, I feel pretty in it.

Score one for the gipper. Sometimes happy thoughts happen.

Still reading Harry’s Vacuum stories. Still being blown away,

Honestly, I'm just being shitty. Alfter all where would I be without people that were accepting of me when I started? I'm sure I got on everyone's nerves at the start, and I am sure I still do.

Maybe I just need to eat some more fruit.