I know it’s serious.
Well, dear readers.. I got to a point in the last 2 days
that I thought my time on earth was numbered. I was taken down by a severe
migraine headache that lasted at least 24 hours putting me out of commission starting
Wednesday night thru Thursday late evening. I was in bed most of the time,
trying to figure out what was the cause of such calamity in my poor eye socket
and brain. It was a beautiful day to be stuck in bed dying but I did my best to
survive and here I am! Another day, another blog post.
I couldn’t manage to miss Dennis’s bday so I got my wobbly
head out to Bishops and stepped foot inside of Revelers Hall which was much chiller
than I thought it would be. I even ran into one of its proprietors whom are
really not high on my list of people. It goes back a long way like most of the
beef in my life. Let’s just say without this person there would be no ‘development’
in Oak Cliff. And by ‘development’ I mean the bulldozing of many fine working
class neighborhoods to establish the lego land of ugly brick condos and
apartments that have taken over OC like the plague. I promise, I wouldn’t have
gone for anyone other than Dennis. I’ve
had lots of nasty things to say about those ‘development people’ and how they
have reaped the benefits of the plans they laid down so many years ago when I
was a barking dog at their heels just generally being a bothersome voice where
everywhere they went they were welcomed with pie eye dollar signs coming up all
over the place. Someone’s made a lot of money off of all this.. and it isn’t
anyone that has lived in OC longer than 10 years.
Anyway! It was great to kiss Dennis’s face and see his lovely
family and friends. We listened to music and I filled up the blank space in my
brain with lots of Top Chico and a few smokes. It was steamy slick outside. Bishops
was hopping for a Thursday night, and as usual I saw about 5 new businesses
that seemed to pop up overnight. Shrugs. I don’t ever go out there
anymore. I just go to El Jordan for
caldo de res because it tastes so much like ama’s and because I love the owners
so much. Ran into Richard who is always
a delight to see and talk with. His new film is really making the scene. I’m
proud to have worked with him. I saw lots of musicians that came out to play
for Dennis, and I even ran into my exbest.. it wasn’t bad.. which got me
thinking.
I miss her.
Can I be honest here? Because there are too many messed up
things about what happened and I don’t want to get into it, but damn it, I miss
having a close girlfriend. But the things that happened make it impossible for
me to trust a relationship with pretty much anyone now.. I feel like I am
always holding my hand up just enough to keep everyone a safe distance
away. I know I have hurt people with my
standoffishness. What they don’t understand is that I am still very hurt!! Who
want’s to open up a wound again and let someone pour salt in? Is it really that
dramatic? Am I? Yes?
She still knows me. My very essence. I can catch her up and
she knows where my head is when I tell her things, I don’t have to explain
anything to her. She just fucking knows and it makes me crazy that I feel
better when I talk to her but I am still afraid of laying it all down and
saying, ok, we fucked up but let’s just be friends again. What does that make
me? A pushover? Fuck that. I can’t. I just can’t.
It wasn’t a little thing. It was a really big fucking deal.
Think of the biggest betrayal. Now multiply that times a million, because I
fucking gave her all the ammunition to take me down. Willingly. Under the influence of many
illicit things and ideas. And she’s
lonely now.. I can tell. But so am I.
So am I.
So I am back at work today, with the fluorescent lights out above
me. There is work to be done, but interestingly enough everyone has been very
concerned for me today. It feels nice to be cared for. It may or may not be my
work bestie’s last day. She had another job come thru and it is offering more
money so I hope she takes it and is happy. I will miss her but I am happy if
she can bring in more dough.
I’m just sitting here, trying to make it happen today.
Tonight I wash a weeks worth of dishes and sleep early. Tomorrow we are going
out with J.O and C to a burlesque show. I am excited about that.
Sunday is Avant, babies. I will most surely be hung over on
Monday morning. Worth it. Until next time...
bye bye baby goodbye
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